Still have not done anything.
Complacent.
I look at myself in the mirror... you know, right out of the shower standing there in front of it without hiding anything... and I am grossed out by what I see. I have really started putting on weight.
My friends say I am insane. That the weight I have put on since I quit smoking (again) looks good on me. That I was always too skinny and now I look healthy.
WELL, I do not feel healthy. I feel bloated. I have weighed between 135 and 155 pounds the majority of my life. Maybe being six feet tall does not help my lanky factor, but it is what I am use to. Weighing in now at 182 pounds, might still be within norms for my height, but it makes me feel ill. PLUS, I don't like the way it looks. Maybe if it was a little more dispersed over my body, but it seems to all be going to my midsection... I do not want to look pregnant or as though I have a beer drinking problem.
It just does not feel right.
BUT, have I done anything about it? NO.
The membership to the gym is nothing more than another card for my key ring.
Where is the motivation? That brief glance at myself in the mirror every morning should be enough for me to fast the next seven days and hit the gym like a manic Karen Carpenter.
Tomorrow is Sunday, the gym (advertised as OPEN 24 HOURS) is closed. So, Monday, I am going to get up at a decent hour and go hit the gym before work. I am going to try and go all five days, Monday through Friday and take the weekends off. At least do some intense cardio workouts just to burn off all these excess calories I am storing. AND, I need to start managing the intake valve a bit better!
Life's little curve balls... turn into our little butter-balls.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Panic Attacks
I have now entered the ranks of medicated Western society.
A couple of years ago I was having really bad chest pains to the point that I thought something was wrong with my heart. Seeing how my father died at such an early age of a massive coronary, I thought it wise to see a doctor. After every test they could come up with I was told I was healthy as an ox.
It was not too long after this that I transferred from the overly busy pharmacy I was at to a much slower one... and then not even after six months at the smaller, quieter pharmacy I was again transferred to another higher volume environment.
After almost two years at the new pharmacy, the chest pains returned. Except now, I noticed something about when they occur. When it is extremely busy. When it is overly loud. When there are a lot of people.
SO, I went back to the doctor. Told him how I was now avoiding large crowds and loud environments. How I have to leave the pharmacy at times because it feels like my chest is going to explode. How it feels like I am losing control.
Panic Attack.
And how is it fixed? Medication. Western society's answer for all ailments.
But, I have done some reading on my own and discovered that I may have caused this myself... and can possibly fix it too.
Last year, my partner spent almost the entire year unemployed. It put a strain on us financially--along with every other American.
About midway through the year I ended my meditation group I was holding out of my home and pretty much walked away from the Buddhist path all together. I stopped meditating.
I quit going to the gym.
My work environment has been deteriorating for quite some time due to scheduling issues, short staffed, over worked. Not too mention, the first of the year is always the worst-- cold and flu season is in high gear and every one's insurances change.
Sleeping habits were the first thing to start changing.
Stress is a patient opponent. If allowed, it quietly builds up inside of you until one day it finds a way out. What was once just a mental/emotional discomfort that got pushed to the side as soon as the moment passed has now taken on a physical form. Luckily, mine came in the form of anxiety attacks.
For now, I will play along with the pill-pushers... but I am also going to start meditating again and heading to the gym. Both are great stress reducers and I would rather be doing that than becoming addicted to xanax. Really do not need the added stress of a rehab bill.
A couple of years ago I was having really bad chest pains to the point that I thought something was wrong with my heart. Seeing how my father died at such an early age of a massive coronary, I thought it wise to see a doctor. After every test they could come up with I was told I was healthy as an ox.
It was not too long after this that I transferred from the overly busy pharmacy I was at to a much slower one... and then not even after six months at the smaller, quieter pharmacy I was again transferred to another higher volume environment.
After almost two years at the new pharmacy, the chest pains returned. Except now, I noticed something about when they occur. When it is extremely busy. When it is overly loud. When there are a lot of people.
SO, I went back to the doctor. Told him how I was now avoiding large crowds and loud environments. How I have to leave the pharmacy at times because it feels like my chest is going to explode. How it feels like I am losing control.
Panic Attack.
And how is it fixed? Medication. Western society's answer for all ailments.
But, I have done some reading on my own and discovered that I may have caused this myself... and can possibly fix it too.
Last year, my partner spent almost the entire year unemployed. It put a strain on us financially--along with every other American.
About midway through the year I ended my meditation group I was holding out of my home and pretty much walked away from the Buddhist path all together. I stopped meditating.
I quit going to the gym.
My work environment has been deteriorating for quite some time due to scheduling issues, short staffed, over worked. Not too mention, the first of the year is always the worst-- cold and flu season is in high gear and every one's insurances change.
Sleeping habits were the first thing to start changing.
Stress is a patient opponent. If allowed, it quietly builds up inside of you until one day it finds a way out. What was once just a mental/emotional discomfort that got pushed to the side as soon as the moment passed has now taken on a physical form. Luckily, mine came in the form of anxiety attacks.
For now, I will play along with the pill-pushers... but I am also going to start meditating again and heading to the gym. Both are great stress reducers and I would rather be doing that than becoming addicted to xanax. Really do not need the added stress of a rehab bill.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)