But then again, I wake-up this morning and I create a new blog for the Pagan group while I reread what I posted last night before I fell asleep... and, I wonder.

I wonder what it is I gain spiritually from the Pagan path. It does not offer up any code of conduct for people to practice and improve their way of life. It is all left up to the individual. There are no great philosophical works, no great spiritual teachers, no intellectual forums that discuss the human condition or an answer or solution for it. Often times it feels like empty rituals and role playing. A spiritual journey through fantasy. An indulgence for my weak and unstructured mind.

I become easily lost. Confused. Torn.

The one big appeal of it for me is its creative nature. But, as a friend would say sarcastically, "As long as your doing it for the right reasons." Granted, she could care less about it for it falls outside of her norm (christian) and is categorized by her as voodoo nonsense. Is my muse that important? More important than who I am as a person in the world? Does feeding my muse make me a better or worse person in society? Is it improving me in any way?

Honestly, no.

So why do I bother? Why do I leave the path of Buddhism so easily whenever an obstacle is presented. Surely I do not care nor do I have to associate myself with those elements that I feel detract from what I believe Buddhism to be.

But yet, here I am again.

All my Buddhist trappings are packed in boxes and hidden in the attic or shed. I erased it all to help me forget about it in order that I could focus on something else. Art. Buddhism ticked me off because the group I was in started looking very much like all the other Western organized religions. Money. Money. Power. Money. I could not take it, so I walked away. Re-embraced my Pagan side.

Yet here I am. Missing Buddhism, again.

Why does my seesaw plagued me so?

Why can't I just be happy with what I have and quit thinking about it?

What is it I am searching for?

UGH.