you dont have to kill the BUDDHA if you see him, he is already dead.

The Three Precious Gems of Buddhism:

1. Buddha, Guru, or Teacher.
2. Dharma, or Teachings
3. Sangha, or Spiritual Community

In the West we tend to stumble upon these a little out of order--if there was ever an order in which needed to be followed. First we stumble upon the books, or, the Dharma. Those quaint little sections of the local bookstore labeled Eastern Philosophy seem to fascinate a great many of us. And for a lucky handful, that fascination culminates after much reading into searching out others, or a Sangha. Through finding a Sangha in which to practice this awesome new revelation we eventually meet our Teacher and take refuge:

I take refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha until all sentient beings are free from suffering.

Well, what happens when you were a happy book-Buddhist who ventured out one day and found a very cool satellite Sangha and eventually through brief encounters met the "Teacher" of this Sangha who turns out to be a bit on the Power-stingy-greedy side of the human condition?

My first interaction with said "Teacher":
Mouse: I wish to eventually follow a Priestly path in order to help others.
Teacher: I do not recommend anyone following the Priestly course until they are of retirement age... you cannot make a living off of being a Priest.
Mouse: I do not wish to make money, just want to give more of myself to others within the framework of Buddhism.
Teacher: The best way you can do that is buy donating to the Sangha... You could also start your own practice group in your area and affiliate with the Center.

My second interaction was through online conversations concerning my practice group via Skype, in which I was informed donations would be needed for his time talking with me.

My third interaction was the Jukai, or Entering the Stream ceremony in which I made an official declaration of my Buddhist Faith... again, donations appreciated.

The fourth was through emails in which I had asked for help in organizing some literature to hand out to our Buddhist Troops on base. Again, donations--and a brief discussion on copy write infringements and his time.

The fifth never happened. I had scheduled a time for me and my partner to travel up to Atlanta (about two hours away) to have lunch with him and then attend the evening zazen service at the center. The day we were heading up I called him to find out where to meet him and was informed he would not be able to have lunch with us because he had already made plans with one of his senior students (who he sees on a most regular basis) but looked forward to seeing us at zazen. I spent part of the day fuming, part crying, and in the end said fuck going to the center.

The sixth was a continuation of the previous emails in which I was informed that more money was needed and that I had no right in representing Soto Zen by holding a practice group or lay leading the troops on base.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a very passionate and loyal guy. In the arena of religion or spirituality, especially in the context of Buddhism, I give my all. BUT, since that last interaction with unnamed Teacher I ran screaming from the Buddhist Path. I have never been a lover of Christianity because I have always felt that what is taught and what is practiced are not on the same page. Buddhism I thought was different. But here, somehow again, I found a shinning example of Buddhism gone BAD.

If he was my first encounter with bad tasting Buddhism, it would not be that big a deal... but he is the third. And, sadly, I do not think I can progress upon the Buddhist path without the support of a competent teacher... and if there is to be no growth or learning, then what is the point? I can sit zazen (seated meditation) until the cows come home, but without the instruction or guidance of a seasoned veteran I will never progress any further than I have--and I feel have gone as far as I can alone.

So, then what is the point?

I find myself standing on the doorstep of my Pagan roots again. It is not an adventure I look forward to because I have yet to find the Path in Paganism that best suits me, and I wander aimlessly until frustration sets in and I throw my hands up. But what else is there? At least within a Pagan context, the only person responsible for my spiritual growth is me... and the avenues of spiritual awakening are limitless in the Neo-Pagan community.

Are they the same as Buddhism? Definitely not. Completely different mindset... but a mindset I may have to get use to since Buddhism has run into a wall. I am at the point where I do not know what to do.

On one hand, I have a Pagan group that is new and exciting and I could easily lose myself in it. Paganism has always inspired my artsy nature--and my sexual side. Draw backs--it is often too "fantasy" oriented and lacks philosophical girth and intellectual scholarship. Buddhism on the other hand, makes a lot of sense and challenges me to be a better person... not only for myself but for the world around me. It is steeped in history, tradition and plethora of scholastic rhapsodies. Draw backs--it does not inspire my artistic nature. I do not like the way in which the West seems to be corrupting it (materialism, consumerism, power struggles and pissing contests). And the lack of a teacher leaves me inert... which only stunts my spiritual growth and turns me off...

OH TEACHERS!, where art thou?

I expect if I lifted the robe of the person I spoke of before I would see him wearing a t-shirt that reads, "I killed Buddha." And so he has, for me at least.